Are you like me? I have this need to not have set expectations about or relating to certain things. If I do, well then I expect them, and you see then I am really disappointed when it turns out differently. Do you go through that?
So a few months ago was the perfect time in every way possible to get pregnant. My husband would be home a lot more when the baby came; the yearly heat wave would still be waiting in the wings; our other daughter would be a very good age for a little sibling to come; my health would be in good standing for various reasons; our friends are all having children come a couple months before ours would come. You get the picture right, my perfect plan, again failed! Perfect, what is that anyways? I am starting to find that perfect just happens to be defined differently in the end. I have this happen a lot in life. I think something is the right way or the best way and I learn over an over again.... that I thought wrong! Perfect at this point would be 1. Getting Pregnant 2. Having the baby grow and develop 3. Delivering the baby 4. Having the baby be healthy and strong.
It is hard not to feel disappointment and frustration when you want something so much and yet there is so little you can do to control the situation. Today I found out my hormones are low and that is why we haven't been able to get pregnant. I know, lots of women go through this. I suppose that does not change the fact that it is hard for them and it is hard for me. This year has been such a struggle. I feel like there is this collapse of what I once thought was a really healthy strong body. It still is healthy and strong, but after being diagnosed with 1 disease, 1 syndrome, and now these hormone challenges it just feels like for one year it could have been enough to simply be diagnosed with MS.
I know that like every other challenge in time I will be okay. This frustration will melt away and I will deal with it. More than likely we will be able to have another child. My doctor was probably just trying to prepare me rather than scare me. And of course it is not going to be as easy as it was last time to get a child here, because we really really want one to come to our home.
A few weeks ago I was fasting. I felt very reassured that Heavenly Father is aware of us and knows of our desire and there is a reason we haven't conceived yet that I am not aware of. Sometimes it is really hard to hold onto trusting Him and knowing that it will be okay. Many times, I have had to experience His plan for my life, which has been different than my own. Each time in the past I have learned that in His hands everything works out better than it could when I try to keep it in my own.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Mean Girls
Today I went to lunch with a bunch of girl friends and of course a TON of little kiddos. We picked a practical option, McDonalds (this was a new McDonalds, thankfully the toys weren't completely throwing me into my germa-phobe paranoia.)
We got talking about how kids can be so mean. We talked about how it is weird being the mom now and worrying if your child will get teased or how it feels when they come home from school and tell you about being teased.
Do you remember ever seeing anyone get thrown in the garbage can? I do. I was in fifth grade, wearing my guess jeans (they were teal) and I was doing banana flips off the monkey bars. This boy named Buddy took another boy and threw him in the garbage can. I walked over there and told him if he ever did that again I would make sure that he got beat up by someone. Okay, so maybe it would have been better to just go tell the teachers aid on the playground... but they didn't do anything so of course it was more effective to make sure he knew my possy would be after him.
That brought me to my next, not so fond memory. Being a part of the mean girls clique. Everyone wanted to be in our circle. We played tether ball every day during recess, during lunch, and after school. That might not sound very cool (I mean really a ball on a string that goes around a pole???) but it was cool, it was very cool. We were all the little girls who everyone thought had money. My family we really didn't, my mom was really nice and got me the clothes I had been asking for because all my friends had them (pretty cool of you mom, although I am sorry that I was 10 and selfish!)
Middle school and Junior High hit and I remember my friends were so mean. I know guilty by association right? On occasion, we would invite one of our friends over to the house. We would begin talking mean about another friend and the friend invited over would naturally join in, because gossiping was just part of the drama. The friend who had invited the other friend would say really mean things and so the one invited over would make sure she was keeping up with what she didn't like or what she was annoyed by. Well, the girl they were talking about would come out of the closet or come out from under the bed and say, "Now I know what you really think of me." MEAN GIRLS! Seriously what was that? Why was I ever even willing to be in the room without giving the one invited the clear signal that someone was under the bed or in the closet. Really, after one time, don't you think that you would learn to not ever say anything mean about anyone, but they never did. Thankfully I could learn the lessons by watching, what a silly follower I was back then! It is never really worth while to talk badly of another, because in the end I have just as many little bloopers and flaws as the next gal. Sometimes I catch myself being critical and then I remember I was part of the mean girls once and really didn't like it at all. So I guess in the end it helped me realize I liked being a nice girl and I try really hard to be consistent with that.
If you are reading this, you can judge me, but remember people change and learn and grow. Once you remember that maybe you can just thank me for being honest about what it was like to be a kid trying to find myself!
We got talking about how kids can be so mean. We talked about how it is weird being the mom now and worrying if your child will get teased or how it feels when they come home from school and tell you about being teased.
Do you remember ever seeing anyone get thrown in the garbage can? I do. I was in fifth grade, wearing my guess jeans (they were teal) and I was doing banana flips off the monkey bars. This boy named Buddy took another boy and threw him in the garbage can. I walked over there and told him if he ever did that again I would make sure that he got beat up by someone. Okay, so maybe it would have been better to just go tell the teachers aid on the playground... but they didn't do anything so of course it was more effective to make sure he knew my possy would be after him.
That brought me to my next, not so fond memory. Being a part of the mean girls clique. Everyone wanted to be in our circle. We played tether ball every day during recess, during lunch, and after school. That might not sound very cool (I mean really a ball on a string that goes around a pole???) but it was cool, it was very cool. We were all the little girls who everyone thought had money. My family we really didn't, my mom was really nice and got me the clothes I had been asking for because all my friends had them (pretty cool of you mom, although I am sorry that I was 10 and selfish!)
Middle school and Junior High hit and I remember my friends were so mean. I know guilty by association right? On occasion, we would invite one of our friends over to the house. We would begin talking mean about another friend and the friend invited over would naturally join in, because gossiping was just part of the drama. The friend who had invited the other friend would say really mean things and so the one invited over would make sure she was keeping up with what she didn't like or what she was annoyed by. Well, the girl they were talking about would come out of the closet or come out from under the bed and say, "Now I know what you really think of me." MEAN GIRLS! Seriously what was that? Why was I ever even willing to be in the room without giving the one invited the clear signal that someone was under the bed or in the closet. Really, after one time, don't you think that you would learn to not ever say anything mean about anyone, but they never did. Thankfully I could learn the lessons by watching, what a silly follower I was back then! It is never really worth while to talk badly of another, because in the end I have just as many little bloopers and flaws as the next gal. Sometimes I catch myself being critical and then I remember I was part of the mean girls once and really didn't like it at all. So I guess in the end it helped me realize I liked being a nice girl and I try really hard to be consistent with that.
If you are reading this, you can judge me, but remember people change and learn and grow. Once you remember that maybe you can just thank me for being honest about what it was like to be a kid trying to find myself!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
A mouth full of it all... the down hill slide
A few weeks back I was sleeping soundly when my love came in to wake me up. He had been out shooting at the archery range close by. He entered the door way, but I was already awake (he wasn't very quiet when he got home.) He sat on the edge of my bed and said, "I had an accident." Of course at this point I am thinking, well you are alright, how is the car? He turns on the light opens his mouth and shows me the damage.
He broke one tooth completely off at the base and the other two he shattered half way down. His top tooth was chipped, but there was no damage beyond that.
How? Well his trigger on his archery bow is solid metal. When he went to pull back on his string (his hand was sweaty because it was really hot out) and some how his finger slipped hit the trigger release before he had his string set and then the metal release slammed into his mouth with great force. You would think that would be the worst of the pain, but that was just the beginning.
After call and call and call to the insurance company (who has actually been really great to work with) we finally thought we had a plan to follow. He had to get two root canals (on the two bottom teeth that we shattered but salvageable) and the other tooth had broken at the root, so he was going to need an implant there. We got coverage for an implant, and pretty much everything from our health insurance. Then the dentist office informed us that even though they had done a ton of work up to this point, they no longer were going to accept our health insurance! What...aren't the insurance companies suppose to be the problem??? After a lot of ridiculousness with the dentists office, we got an appointment for the implant to be set. (They had told us with our dental insurance coverage all of it would cost $4,000 out of our pocket! With our health insurance just about everything will be covered 100%)
I got a friend to watch our daughter, so I could take him in for his surgery where he had to be put completely under. I sat for an hour and a half in the waiting room and then, they called my name. Turns out, no implant at all! BONE GRAFT...where is the bone from...a cadaver! And one of the worst things was/is you can see the yucky, brown/yellowish, discolored bone with a whole lot of black stiching around it. I suppose that is not the WORST of it... he has to now wait 4-6 months before he can get his implant and then he has to wait 3-6 months to get his permanent crown on. No more biting into anything, he can't even bite into a sandwich for anywhere from 8-12 months.
To top it all off... the fridge broke. Thank goodness I have a man who can figure out just about anything, and with $160 in parts it is working again.
But to really add the CHERRY ON TOP... we have termites!
(If you are reading this, just remember, the downhill slide has some bumps that add a little bit of adventure to this life! I have to be honest in saying I would never go down that hill without a big push!)
How? Well his trigger on his archery bow is solid metal. When he went to pull back on his string (his hand was sweaty because it was really hot out) and some how his finger slipped hit the trigger release before he had his string set and then the metal release slammed into his mouth with great force. You would think that would be the worst of the pain, but that was just the beginning.
After call and call and call to the insurance company (who has actually been really great to work with) we finally thought we had a plan to follow. He had to get two root canals (on the two bottom teeth that we shattered but salvageable) and the other tooth had broken at the root, so he was going to need an implant there. We got coverage for an implant, and pretty much everything from our health insurance. Then the dentist office informed us that even though they had done a ton of work up to this point, they no longer were going to accept our health insurance! What...aren't the insurance companies suppose to be the problem??? After a lot of ridiculousness with the dentists office, we got an appointment for the implant to be set. (They had told us with our dental insurance coverage all of it would cost $4,000 out of our pocket! With our health insurance just about everything will be covered 100%)
I got a friend to watch our daughter, so I could take him in for his surgery where he had to be put completely under. I sat for an hour and a half in the waiting room and then, they called my name. Turns out, no implant at all! BONE GRAFT...where is the bone from...a cadaver! And one of the worst things was/is you can see the yucky, brown/yellowish, discolored bone with a whole lot of black stiching around it. I suppose that is not the WORST of it... he has to now wait 4-6 months before he can get his implant and then he has to wait 3-6 months to get his permanent crown on. No more biting into anything, he can't even bite into a sandwich for anywhere from 8-12 months.
To top it all off... the fridge broke. Thank goodness I have a man who can figure out just about anything, and with $160 in parts it is working again.
But to really add the CHERRY ON TOP... we have termites!
(If you are reading this, just remember, the downhill slide has some bumps that add a little bit of adventure to this life! I have to be honest in saying I would never go down that hill without a big push!)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Time to have a baby
I was thinking this morning, how great life is. I have a little girl who is about 22 months. She is really great! We have so much fun together every day. We have gotten to a point where it usually isn't a big deal to go to the store together or do errands together. She likes to help me out and that is the key to keeping her happy while we are in the store. She holds the bag for the produce or holds something and if she is really good I even let her help put things into the bag.
My house is clean. Every day I do a different chore and so it is clean, not just picked up, but actually clean and it stays relatively clean (this has never happened until probably the past 2 weeks.)
I feel good. I fit my clothes that I didn't fit even before I had her. My stretch marks are almost completely faded. She is sleeping at night. I can run a couple miles and it feels great or go work out for an hour and it feels really great.
So, you may ask (and honestly after making this list I may ask too) why would I trade all of that in? It has finally gotten a little bit easier to have her around. I have gotten back a good bit of life again, but deep inside of me I know I want something else a lot more.
I want to watch my daughter play with her siblings and I want to have family vacations, and maybe even have room in the back for kids quarreling over who gets to sit behind their dad (or whatever it happens to be about that time.) I want to get all teary eyed as they grow and change and develop and as I get to watch.
I know sometimes it really isn't very popular, having kids, and even having more than a couple is getting really odd in today's society. I really don't even know how many more we will get, but man I really do hope that more come to our home. I love it. I love being a mom. I love having to remind myself to be patient when I get frustrated. I love having to take time out to snuggle when it is time for bed. I love teaching my child to pray and seeing how sweet it is when she kneels to the ground. I love watching her play with her dad. I love how crazy my glass windows get with these cute little hand marks. I love when she sings with me in her little voice and tries to find whatever tune I am going to sing and she keeps up with it.
I don't know when or even if we will get to have more come, but I really hope it happens. My husband and I were talking about how it is really unexpected to feel more excited about the second. We were excited with our first, but both of us are so excited to try and have another child come. It is like we both know what it is like now, we know what to expect, and we can't wait!
Well, she just woke up, so that is my que.
(If you are reading this, please don't be judgmental of my thoughts. Just remember it is a good I am thinking and feeling, and it is a process. Not one I claim to be right or wrong in, just one that I am experiencing!)
My house is clean. Every day I do a different chore and so it is clean, not just picked up, but actually clean and it stays relatively clean (this has never happened until probably the past 2 weeks.)
I feel good. I fit my clothes that I didn't fit even before I had her. My stretch marks are almost completely faded. She is sleeping at night. I can run a couple miles and it feels great or go work out for an hour and it feels really great.
So, you may ask (and honestly after making this list I may ask too) why would I trade all of that in? It has finally gotten a little bit easier to have her around. I have gotten back a good bit of life again, but deep inside of me I know I want something else a lot more.
I want to watch my daughter play with her siblings and I want to have family vacations, and maybe even have room in the back for kids quarreling over who gets to sit behind their dad (or whatever it happens to be about that time.) I want to get all teary eyed as they grow and change and develop and as I get to watch.
I know sometimes it really isn't very popular, having kids, and even having more than a couple is getting really odd in today's society. I really don't even know how many more we will get, but man I really do hope that more come to our home. I love it. I love being a mom. I love having to remind myself to be patient when I get frustrated. I love having to take time out to snuggle when it is time for bed. I love teaching my child to pray and seeing how sweet it is when she kneels to the ground. I love watching her play with her dad. I love how crazy my glass windows get with these cute little hand marks. I love when she sings with me in her little voice and tries to find whatever tune I am going to sing and she keeps up with it.
I don't know when or even if we will get to have more come, but I really hope it happens. My husband and I were talking about how it is really unexpected to feel more excited about the second. We were excited with our first, but both of us are so excited to try and have another child come. It is like we both know what it is like now, we know what to expect, and we can't wait!
Well, she just woke up, so that is my que.
(If you are reading this, please don't be judgmental of my thoughts. Just remember it is a good I am thinking and feeling, and it is a process. Not one I claim to be right or wrong in, just one that I am experiencing!)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Here we go
I have about 5 blogs...all are private...with the exception of one rather dull food blog...so I figured...time to start one that is not private that just might bring some thoughts to your mind, but more importantly thoughts to my own. First of all I am writing this so that one day my kids can read it if they really want to know what I think about outside of family life. A blog is a good way to do it, and this is probably stuff that does not need to be kept private, so that is why you are reading this!
I think a lot. Sometimes I think less than others, as evidenced by my repetitive mispelling (case in point) or my social blunders where I ask a question that probably shouldn't be asked (and if I had only thought for a moment I probably wouldn't have found the answer but I would have taken time to remind myself to not say it out loud!) Or those times when I really don't want to think about grammar, punctuation, or the fact that I know that I am not suppose to put... but it is just part of the expression on the paper. So, if all of that might bother you, then I suggest you stop reading and spend your time elsewhere because that is probably just going to be a part of this compilation of my thoughts and opinions.
Maybe you are different than me... maybe you think more than I do... maybe you think less than I do. But what I like to think is the variety is what makes it all come together. So, whether you are the same or different, or somewhere in between welcome. We may not always agree and I don't have much interest in bantering here so lets just agree sometimes that we will disagree.
Back to the original question, what has been on my mind lately. Well these past few weeks I have been thinking about all the good there is to accomplish. I have been in the middle of researching what community projects there are in my area. I have been reading about how many homeless shelters are here and I have been shocked to know there is an orphanage here in my area.
People really need people and we need people on so many levels. First we need others for basic survival (think about this in a little different sense then cast away.) Second we need others for positive affection and attention. Third we need others for satisfaction in enjoying what we have to offer and benefiting from what others have to offer. Simple, yet essential. How do we go so wrong? It isn't wired in all of us to be unkind, neglectful, inconsiderate, or thoughtless...in fact I generally believe we are wired to be exactly the opposite. So having said that, how do we go so wrong?
I am amazed that so many live on the streets. Are you? I remember growing up, I didn't have a real perspective on a lot of these issues. As I have spent considerable time with those struggle with mental illness I can understand how someone might lose all they own, might lose all they know to remain in control of where they live or how they live. But what I can not understand is how often they remain untreated and uncared for.
It is late, so I suppose for now I will stop there. I am sure I will keep chewing on this one for the rest of my life and it will pop up frequently when I think. As for you, if you are reading, try not to be judgmental of my thoughts, and try to remember it is good I am thinking. Thinking is a process, not one I claim to be right or wrong in, just one that I am working through.
I think a lot. Sometimes I think less than others, as evidenced by my repetitive mispelling (case in point) or my social blunders where I ask a question that probably shouldn't be asked (and if I had only thought for a moment I probably wouldn't have found the answer but I would have taken time to remind myself to not say it out loud!) Or those times when I really don't want to think about grammar, punctuation, or the fact that I know that I am not suppose to put... but it is just part of the expression on the paper. So, if all of that might bother you, then I suggest you stop reading and spend your time elsewhere because that is probably just going to be a part of this compilation of my thoughts and opinions.
Maybe you are different than me... maybe you think more than I do... maybe you think less than I do. But what I like to think is the variety is what makes it all come together. So, whether you are the same or different, or somewhere in between welcome. We may not always agree and I don't have much interest in bantering here so lets just agree sometimes that we will disagree.
Back to the original question, what has been on my mind lately. Well these past few weeks I have been thinking about all the good there is to accomplish. I have been in the middle of researching what community projects there are in my area. I have been reading about how many homeless shelters are here and I have been shocked to know there is an orphanage here in my area.
People really need people and we need people on so many levels. First we need others for basic survival (think about this in a little different sense then cast away.) Second we need others for positive affection and attention. Third we need others for satisfaction in enjoying what we have to offer and benefiting from what others have to offer. Simple, yet essential. How do we go so wrong? It isn't wired in all of us to be unkind, neglectful, inconsiderate, or thoughtless...in fact I generally believe we are wired to be exactly the opposite. So having said that, how do we go so wrong?
I am amazed that so many live on the streets. Are you? I remember growing up, I didn't have a real perspective on a lot of these issues. As I have spent considerable time with those struggle with mental illness I can understand how someone might lose all they own, might lose all they know to remain in control of where they live or how they live. But what I can not understand is how often they remain untreated and uncared for.
It is late, so I suppose for now I will stop there. I am sure I will keep chewing on this one for the rest of my life and it will pop up frequently when I think. As for you, if you are reading, try not to be judgmental of my thoughts, and try to remember it is good I am thinking. Thinking is a process, not one I claim to be right or wrong in, just one that I am working through.
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