Are you like me? I have this need to not have set expectations about or relating to certain things. If I do, well then I expect them, and you see then I am really disappointed when it turns out differently. Do you go through that?
So a few months ago was the perfect time in every way possible to get pregnant. My husband would be home a lot more when the baby came; the yearly heat wave would still be waiting in the wings; our other daughter would be a very good age for a little sibling to come; my health would be in good standing for various reasons; our friends are all having children come a couple months before ours would come. You get the picture right, my perfect plan, again failed! Perfect, what is that anyways? I am starting to find that perfect just happens to be defined differently in the end. I have this happen a lot in life. I think something is the right way or the best way and I learn over an over again.... that I thought wrong! Perfect at this point would be 1. Getting Pregnant 2. Having the baby grow and develop 3. Delivering the baby 4. Having the baby be healthy and strong.
It is hard not to feel disappointment and frustration when you want something so much and yet there is so little you can do to control the situation. Today I found out my hormones are low and that is why we haven't been able to get pregnant. I know, lots of women go through this. I suppose that does not change the fact that it is hard for them and it is hard for me. This year has been such a struggle. I feel like there is this collapse of what I once thought was a really healthy strong body. It still is healthy and strong, but after being diagnosed with 1 disease, 1 syndrome, and now these hormone challenges it just feels like for one year it could have been enough to simply be diagnosed with MS.
I know that like every other challenge in time I will be okay. This frustration will melt away and I will deal with it. More than likely we will be able to have another child. My doctor was probably just trying to prepare me rather than scare me. And of course it is not going to be as easy as it was last time to get a child here, because we really really want one to come to our home.
A few weeks ago I was fasting. I felt very reassured that Heavenly Father is aware of us and knows of our desire and there is a reason we haven't conceived yet that I am not aware of. Sometimes it is really hard to hold onto trusting Him and knowing that it will be okay. Many times, I have had to experience His plan for my life, which has been different than my own. Each time in the past I have learned that in His hands everything works out better than it could when I try to keep it in my own.
